New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
