you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
