What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
