I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
