Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
