Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
