I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
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