Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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