Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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