his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
