Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
