I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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