She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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