He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
