And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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