dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
