Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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