dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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