yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
