i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
