hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
