So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
