I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
