Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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