Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
