I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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