i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
