I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
