the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
