remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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