you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
