Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
