just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
