Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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