Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
