atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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