I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
