You can't motorboat a personality
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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