I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
