i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
