my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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