I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
