It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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