she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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