Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
whose parrot is this?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
