Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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