I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
