Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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