If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
