ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
