paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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